The most OOC story ever written!
by Arie
Summary: See title:More stupid humor lol Gourry gets another turn
1. Default Chapter

What the cast of Slayers would never say: THE STORY  
  
  
  
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Scene: About high noon in the middle of the forest. The crew is on some random quest for wealth…well Lina is, Gourry is simply along for the ride, Zelgadiss is planning on finally finding his cure, and Amelia is going to keep justice forefront in their minds.  
  
The Amelia is taking down the makeshift tents that were erected the night before. Suddenly…  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Amelia observes the blurry form of one Gourry Gabriev as he tears through the dense forest.  
  
"Wait, Gourry!" Lina skips merrily behind him with a wreath of daisies in her hair. "Come back my true love sweetness snuggle bear lovey love!"  
  
The retreating forms soon double back and continue running in circles around the camp.  
  
"Lina, it's not what you think!"  
  
"I wuv you so much Gourry! I know last night meant something special!"  
  
"But Lina, we always stay together!"  
  
"See? We were meant for each other, sweetness!"  
  
The pair suddenly veer off course to a clearing in the west. Amelia shrugs and follows them.  
  
The clearing reveals a small stream with Zelgadiss hunched over it.  
  
"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts."  
  
Before Amelia can approach, there's a rustling of leaves. The sound of punches landing accompany this.  
  
"Give us all your money!" Amelia springs to action, quickly dispatching all four bandits. Apparently their victim was a rather elderly man, "Why thank-- " Amelia quickly helps the man up, "Don't worry about it! Its my job and all that." She quickly hugs him, "Make sure to stay out of trouble, the woods can be dangerous." "Oh I will." The man shuffles off.  
  
"Now lets see, I got a watch, a ring, and a necklace! What a great day for justice!"  
  
Zelgadiss continues humming to himself, while polishing his chest. After all, only when polished, can his true hottieness be exposed. (The fangirls swoon)  
  
Amelia approaches, pockets jangling with the stolen loot, "Shouldn't we be looking for your cure?"  
  
He absently responds, "Cure for what?"  
  
"Your well…um… freakishness?"  
  
"What are you talking about? I am one hot slab o man."  
  
Gourry pauses, "Hey…he's right. Zel is kind of hot…"  
  
Zel grins and snaps his fingers, "Right on bro. Your not bad yourself."  
  
Gourry blushes. Lina runs behind them, panting, "Don't you think I'm pretty too?"  
  
All three: "Um…"  
  
Lina starts to chant, then stops in her tracks, "No, rather than being violent, I will simply walk away now."  
  
She tosses her hair over her shoulder and takes off, but not before giving Zel her number with small hearts all around it.  
  
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Sorry for this pathetic piece. I'm simply attempting to avoid studying but…I'm done now so *sigh* off I go… 


	2. Xelly

Out of boredom comes more crappy writing…ENJOY!  
  
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Scene:  
  
]A rather small inn located in some unknown town. It's nightfall, the gentle glow of lamplight echoes throughout the small dining room. Lina, Gourry, Xellos, and Filia are all seated at one of the eight tables available.  
  
Lina is eating, rather noisily, exactly four celery and carrot sticks. Gourry hesitantly taps her on the shoulder, "Lina, can I have one?" Lina halts her assault on the defenseless vegetables, and pauses a moment before beaming brightly, "Sure! There's more then enough to go around!"  
  
As Gourry takes only one celery stick, Lina addresses Filia, "So I was thinking, maybe we could go volunteer at the old folks home tomorrow." "Your always right Lina! Of course we should do that.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~2minutes later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Namagomi!!!" :::CLANG!:::  
  
After merely grinning at Filia, Xellos found himself sprawled on the floor, with at least two angry Filias spinning wildly about ceiling.  
  
"Ow."  
  
The still flustered Filia stood over the prone form watching for movement, and clutching her mace, with every intention of beating the mazoku until he could no longer get up.  
  
Xellos chose this moment to disappear from these hostile surroundings and reappear in his room.  
  
Filia grumbled at the loss, but soon forgot it as she sat down to the lavish feast of 10 turkeys, 3 pitchers of beer, 1 large Caesar salad, and about 50 rolls…give or take.  
  
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Xellos sighed, rubbing the quickly healing lump bestowed on him by Filia.  
  
"I wish Filia chan would stop beating me with that damn mace…it does hurt my feelings so."  
  
His shoulders slump and he sighs again. "I know!" Xel goes off screen for a moment, a soft ::click:: is heard, a tape is starting, then the rustle of clothes.  
  
^ Sunshine lollipops and rainbows everything is what I feel whenever we're together!^  
  
::click::  
  
^ The hills are alive… with the sound of music! ^  
  
::click::  
  
^Near…Far…Wherever Y-- ^  
  
::CLICK!::  
  
^Mmmbop , ba du ba dop , ba du bop , ba duba dop, mmbop ba duba bop , ba du bop , ba du bop , badu !!^  
  
Xellos pops back on screen, with several stuffed animals. He carefully arranges this small "audience" on the bed then disappears off screen again.  
  
Xellos reappears decked out in a super happy version of his normal outfit. Think three things: multicolor, rainbows, and smiley faces (possibly teddy bears). His staff even resembles a candy cane at this point.  
  
He fusses with the animals again before starting his performance. Xellos hops, jumps, and gyrated around the room. Think: the cabbage patch, the robot, the Macarena, and various moves involving thumbs up and the kicking of legs.  
  
Xellos then proceeds to dance with one of the bears, Mr. Snugglekins.  
  
^Can You Feel The Love Tonight? ^  
  
" You always make me feel better Mr. Snugglekins. Who's the fluffiest bear of them all? You are!"  
  
  
  
  
  
Gourry, previously peering through the small keyhole, pauses, "I don't want to know."  
  
He then sprints off to find anything to wipe the image of Xellos in his Technicolor dream coat out of his mind.  
  
Xellos then disappears off camera again. The tape shuts off. He's carrying a large load of what looks to be rolled up papers. Upon unrolling them, they are revealed to be pictures of various boy bands, Barney, and an 8' by 10' signed picture of Zel.  
  
After arranging these on his dresser, Xellos shuts off the light (Not before plugging in his power puff girls' night light) to sleep on his inanimate friends and dream about sugarplums.  
  
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I actually had to look up the words to mmmbop lol (I'm not a hanson fan although I have no ill will to those who are okay? *dodges tomatoes*)  
  
If that's not out of character, then I just don't know what is! 


	3. Zelly

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Scene: Mid adventure (Pick one), the crew decides to spend the night at a rather large inn (Bandit gold). Zelgadiss retires to his room after a particularly nasty encounter with a child:  
  
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* "Hey." "…" "Hey, what's wrong with your skin?" "…" "Are you a statue or something? Like those guys in the museums. I went there once and they didn't have any pants on. How come you do?" "…" "Do they make you wear pants when you leave? Is there a rule that says you haveta wear pants unless you're in a museum? Hey where are you going?" *  
  
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It's pretty early, maybe around nine p.m. Zel paces about the room for a few moments before settling down on the bed.  
  
He sighs sadly, staring at his hands. Angered, he stands and starts to prepare for bed ie stripping (fangirls::swoon::), leaving him in an undershirt and heart patterned boxers (fangirls::aww!::).  
  
Zel lounges across the bed, generally feeling sorry for himself. Suddenly he hops off the bed and starts rummaging under the bed. It's some sort of box, wrapped in cloth. He hurriedly removes the cloth and yanks off the box top to reveal a large book, and some tapes.  
  
After locating a red bookmark, Zelgadiss reads a few paragraphs. Satisfied, he pops one of the tapes into a small player. Soothing ocean sounds ensue.  
  
Zel stands in front of the mirror and starts to frantically flip pages. Finally he's found the intended page.  
  
"Every person has some good qualities about them. The next time you're near a mirror, examine yourself. Look for whatever makes you special, if you've received complements on certain body parts, try and see what their appeal is. Remember: you are a beautiful person."  
  
"…but I'm so hideous."  
  
Zel stares at the book for a moment "P.S you are not hideous."  
  
The views witness Zel flexing various muscles (fan girls are cut off in mid swoon by a menacing glare by the author) and turning this way and that to see every angle of his body (fangirls: SWOON!)  
  
"Maybe this would work better if I was naked…what the hell was that?" (Zel is oblivious to the hundreds of fangirls who just fainted making a collective ::thud::)  
  
Finally deciding that his eyes were indeed his best feature, he continues to read: "Now, make an assertive sentence about this body part." Zel leans closer to the mirror and mutters "I have very sexy eyes."  
  
Amelia pauses mid knock, shakes her head and walks away from Zelgadiss' room.  
  
Zelgadiss continues reading for the next few hours until…  
  
Zel is streaking around in leather pants and a muscle shirt, flexing in front of the mirror once more.  
  
^I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts. And I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York, and Japan ^  
  
Zel starts practicing various bumping and grinding techniques. For some added oomph he adds a pair of socks down his pants.  
  
Finally settling on the Ricky Martin esque butt wiggle, Zel goes to find an even tighter pair of pants. Think Brady Bunch bell bottoms, or Ricky martin himself.  
  
"Who's the black private dick That's a sex machine to all the chicks?  
  
ZEL! Ya damn right!... They say this cat Zel is a bad mother SHUT YOUR MOUTH!  
  
I'm only talkin' 'bout Zel. THEN WE CAN DIG IT!"  
  
Somehow, Zel found some sunglasses which he promptly dons and proceeds to snap his fingers and practice sexy winks. How he does this through sunglasses is inexplicable…  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 20 minutes later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Zelly, zelly, zelly, can't you see? Sometimes your words just hypnotize me. And I just love your flashy ways. I guess that's why they're broke and you're so paid."  
  
A few more poses then Zel finally consults the book again, "Now all you have to do is recite our simple reinforcement phrase: I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me." "…I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me."  
  
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::SHATTER::::::::::::: ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Zel blinks for a few moments before realizing what has happened. He's finally human again, after all this searching.  
  
"DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
His left eye continues to twitch every so often as his face loses it's reddish hue.  
  
"I can use this!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~seconds later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Amelia, can I come in?" "Sure Mr. Zelgadiss, it's awful late don't you think-- what happened to your face?!" "It's great isn't it?" "I'm so happy for you. I knew justice would find you." With that, she leaps into his arms.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~1 hour, 45 minutes, and 3 seconds later ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Uhmm..Zelly chan where are you going?" Zel is quickly pulling up his ultra tight pants and hopping out the door, "Bathroom?" "Oh…okay." Amelia promptly falls asleep.  
  
"I am such a player…Oh Lina…"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Morning~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Gourry is stuffing his face as usual. "Hey Lina, why aren't you eating? You look kinda tired…so does everyone else."  
  
The small table is full of half or fully asleep slayers. Amelia is nodding off into her eggs, Lina is leaning on one hand with a dreamy look in her eyes, Filia is asleep in front of a cold cup of tea, and Xellos looks exceptionally pleased with himself.  
  
Finally the Mack Daddy himself, Zelgadiss Greywords bounces down the stairs. "Hi guys." "All: Hiii Zelly chan" There is a low rumbling as all the girls scramble to get to him first, Amelia happens to be the most awake.  
  
There was a collective feminine groan amongst our slayers and half of the inn's patrons.  
  
"Don't worry ladies, there's plenty of me to go around. Remember I'm only human now. Now: Lina your second, Filia third, Xelly is fourth, and everyone else can draw straws. Form an orderly line outside of my room. Let's get to business my beauties!"  
  
Zel disappears back up the stairs, (Note: yes he does have a pimpin hat) while Gourry scratches his head slowly "What's going on"  
  
Xel grabs his hand, half dragging him up the stairs "Sore wa himitsu desu, Gourry. But you will find out."  
  
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Sarcasm at it's finest! 


	4. Gourry

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Scene: A private library in an unknown castle equipped with miles of books, built in fireplace, several well-placed leather chairs, and wood paneling. Talk about atmosphere.  
  
The soft strains of violins works their way about the room until we see the only person occupying the room.  
  
  
  
Gourry sits in one of the previously mentioned chairs. He wears a blue smoking jacket, and holds a large book in his lap. He also holds a large pipe in one hand.  
  
He quickly reaches over for a small bottle. Uncapping it, he pours the contents into the pipe before taking a puff. Bubbles soon fill the room as Gourry mumbles to himself.  
  
He strokes his chin, deep in thought for a moment before donning a pair of reading glasses.  
  
He only looks up when the small reading group decides to gather about him. Xellos and Zelgadiss are dressed in a similar fashion, except Xellos has a monocle and top hat (Think Mr. Peanut) while Zelgadiss is the proud owner of connecting sideburns and mustache as well as a magnifying glass (?).  
  
They all carry copies of the same book and quickly gather in a semi circle. Gourry clears his throat before speaking, "So have we all read the book of the month?" He glares directly at Xellos,"We don't want another 'Babysitters club' incident." The group nods in agreement.  
  
"Then I'll start off the discussion. Now, Sam I am seems to be the antagonist of this book with some hidden agenda."  
  
Zel raises his hand, "All he wanted was for the man to eat the green eggs and ham."  
  
Xel pipes up, "Would you eat rancid food just because someone offered it to you?"  
  
While Zel strokes his chin in thought, Gourry continues, "He seems obsessed in the fact that everyone must like this type of food. I for one do not understand this reasoning. Every person can't like the same thing. Also, is this Sam I am a friend or…"  
  
Xel pauses a moment, "Most likely not. The book starts off saying that the main character does not like this man/cat/whatever."  
  
Zel raises an eyebrow before continuing, "So this person, who is apparently an enemy, insists on this man eating this odd food and does not stop until he finally does? What type of message is this?! 'It's okay to harass and stalk someone until they do your bidding'?"  
  
Gourry nods, "No to mention the various props and accomplices Sam uses to do this. It seems like a group attempt at brain washing." All: "Hmmmm."  
  
Gourry refills his pipe slowly, "So do either one of you have any new books to recommend?"  
  
Xellos nods vigorously, "Yes. I've come across a comic of sorts dealing with a violent love triangle between three friends. Archie comics offers the best insight into the psyche of the three people involved in the hurtful cycle of rejection."  
  
Zel nods slowly, "Well the newest Teen Dream magazine gives us a look into what the women of today are looking for in a man. It seems as if they are looking for someone effeminate and non-threatening or the quintessential "bad boy" as it were who is extremely masculine. Plus, I'm in it! See page 4.5 behind the picture of Dragon Ball Z's Vegeta."  
  
Gpurry puffs on his bubble pipe a moment, "I do believe that it's possible to read both of these selections. Make sure that you've read at least one for the next meeting and I'll see you guys next week.  
  
  
  
Lina's bellowing voice shook the entire castle, "WHO STOLE MY MAGAZINE??!!!"  
  
Zelgadiss consults his pocket watch before sprinting from the room, magazine in hand, leaving only a cloud of dust in his wake.  
  
Xel and Gourry look at each other a moment before chuckling softly. Gourry continues to fill the room with bubbles as Xel unwraps a pink cigar (Bubblegum). And this is how we close our scene.  
  
************************************************************************Mast erpiece theater with Gourry Gabriev lol 


	5. The sleepover

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Scene: Xellos' bedroom.  
  
Xellos is currently standing in front of a full length mirror, one eye opened in preparation to apply mascara (!?). He's dressed in bunny pattern pajamas with Bunny slippers. His hair's pulled back into pigtails.  
  
A sudden knock at the door ruins his concentration so he just answers it. "Hiya Xel!"  
  
It's our perpetually slow hero, Gourry Gabriev. Well at least it looks like him. He's in his star pattern Pajamas with Winnie the pooh slippers. He's carrying a large plush Barney doll (Shudder). His blonde hair is currently housing hundreds of curlers and is covered by a simple scarf. "Can we start yet?" Xellos sighs in frustration, "No! We're missing someone. There's popcorn on the table." "OOOOH!!!!!!!!" Gourry takes off to start devouring the huge bowl's contents.  
  
Another knock. Xellos huffs and answers it. "Nanni? You're…dressed like a girl!" Gourry looks up for a moment, mouth full, "Am I a pretty girl?" Zelgadiss sweat drops, "…You're beautiful…" Gourry grins and continues to eat. Zelgadiss turns to Xellos and noting his dress, begins to slowly back out of the room. "Where are you going? It's going to be fun!" Zelgadiss takes off with a puff of smoke serving as the only reminder of his presence. Xellos shrugs and begins his task again. After the initial success, Xellos admires himself in the mirror, batting his newly applied eyelashes and winking.  
  
::Knock::  
  
"Get that would you?"  
  
Gourry shrugs and skips over to the door. "Hiya Zell!" Zelgadiss is currently in a large t shirt stating that "Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle." And a pair of boxers. He's wearing his favorite fluffy pink slippers. Still glaring at the floor, Zel takes a seat on the floor.  
  
Xellos claps his hands, "Okay we can start now. Make a circle!" Xel disappears off screen and returns with various beauty supplies and a c.d player equipped with an 'Nsync c.d.  
  
Xellos sits behind Gourry and begins the task of undoing all the curlers.  
  
"So, what's new?"  
  
Gourry and Zelgadiss: Nothing  
  
Gourry winces, "OW!"  
  
"Sorry, these tangles are just impossible!"  
  
Gourry pauses a moment before posing a question the merits intense thought, "Would you, ever do Lina?"  
  
Xellos snickers from behind, "You mean YOU haven't?"  
  
Gourry blushes. Zel pipes up, "I think he's just asking as a survey to see if we'll make fun of him afterwards."  
  
"At least my girlfriend isn't a justice freak!"  
  
"SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!"  
  
"You really should stop denying your love Zelly chan."  
  
Gourry pauses again before asking, "Okay…who would you do first, me or Xellos?"  
  
Zelgadiss frowns, "I'm not gay! Why does everyone think that!?"  
  
Xellos pipes up, "Cause your so sweet."  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
Gourry grins, "Answer the question."  
  
Zel pouts a moment before responding, "I don't know! Xellos…he is a masochist and all."  
  
"Why don'tcha come give me a big old kiss then Zelly?"  
  
"SHUT UP!! I had to answer the damn question…can we just move on?"  
  
Gourry snickers, "Nope."  
  
Xellos steps back, job finishes. Gourry now has an Afro the size of a small planet.  
  
"What did you do?!" Xellos shrugs, " I dunno… maybe Lina will like it."  
  
Gourry blushes.  
  
Zel still pouting snaps, "Isn't this whole thing kind of…fruity?"  
  
Xel pauses before responding, "Isn't this what you do at a sleepover?"  
  
"Yeah! Next we can make s'mores!"  
  
Zelgadiss mumbles something before speaking out loud again, "Let me ask you this Xeloss…Do You Like Filia?"  
  
Xeloss' eyes open for the second time that night, "Sore wa himitsu desu."  
  
A deluge of pillows suddenly rain down upon him. "Ow."  
  
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No comment. 


	6. A shippers nightmare

  
  
Scene: Lina Inverse's hotel room. A large cushy bed lies in the middle of the room. Soft music whispers throughout the room. The fragrance of some odd flower is present. Everything seems to strive for comfort. Lina however, is not comfortable.  
  
She's darting about the room busily, apparently looking for something. She pokes her head under the bed when there's a sudden insistent banging on the door. A loud thunk resonates throughout the room when she hits her head.  
  
"Miss Lina! Miss Lina."  
  
Lina snatches the door open none too kindly. Of course, it's Amelia on the other side.  
  
"Are you ready?!"  
  
Lina glares at her, annoyed and still rubbing her head, "I can't find my shoes."  
  
"Don't worry about it. We'll find them later, now come on!"  
  
Amelia proceeds to drag Lina from her room, down the hall a few feet. She then shoves her through an open door.  
  
Amelia's bedroom looks similar to Lina's, only it's bigger (Princess discount)  
  
Filia is seated on the large four-poster bed. "Lina…are you sure we should do this?"  
  
Lina pauses, considering, "Yes. I am absolutely sure. You won't regret this, both of you."  
  
Amelia blushes for seemingly no reason at all, before dragging a large trunk into view.  
  
Lina quickly opens it and starts handing out various frilly clothes to the others. Well…not handing, throwing. A pink bra lands directly on Filia's head while Amelia is bombarded with stockings and a thong.  
  
Lina collects her own clothes before heading towards the bathroom, "Hurry up. Dinner's almost over!"  
  
Amelia starts to examine a pair of fishnet stockings while Filia peels the bra from her head, blushing.  
  
  
  
Filia is still getting dressed. Amelia has a foot pressed into her back, yanking on the corset strings. "Do I really have to wear this?" "For the last time, YES!" Satisfied, Amelia ties it for her and takes off to finish dressing. Filia stands in front of the mirror and screeches.  
  
"What's wrong?" "You can see…my…my…" "Cleavage?" Filia turns beet red in response. "Well…that's the point of the corset Filia." "How am I supposed to walk in these?" Filia glares at the backbreaking heels she's wearing.  
  
They complement her all white ensemble of corset, shorts, and stockings well. (Think lady Marmalade)  
  
"You look nice!" Filia frowns, but begins brushing her hair anyway.  
  
Amelia is wearing a leather dominatrix outfit (no more description needed). For some reason, she's actually enjoying herself, humming happily while applying bright red lipstick.  
  
Lina hesitantly steps out of the bathroom. Her hair flows down her back uninhibited by her headband for the first time in a while. Part of her bangs cover one eye.  
  
She too is wearing an unusual amount of makeup. (Blue eye shadow, tastefully applied, lipstick, blush, mascara, the works).  
  
Her pitch black dress barely reaches the floor. A split travels the length of both legs and a large plunge in the neckline proudly displays her newfound gifts (Wonderbra.)  
  
She holds an old fashioned cigarette holder, complete with burning cigarette, which completes the look.  
  
"Did you find my shoes?"  
  
Amelia halts her search for her whip to reply, "Nope, but you can wear those over there."  
  
Lina quickly dons the matching shoes, also with incredibly high heels before attending to the others.  
  
She fiddles with Amelia's hair a moment before moving to the disgruntled Filia and fastening a flower in the golden tresses.  
  
"I think we're ready." Filia begins mumbling about tea and how late it is. Amelia on the other hand is extremely bubbly (more so than usual) and testing out her new whip on the surrounding air.  
  
"Can we start now?" Lina quickly nods before opening the front door a crack.  
  
Elsewhere  
  
"GOURRY! ZEL! …OTHER XEL! COME HERE, WE NEED YOU!"  
  
Gourry had just finished a particularly satisfying meal and had no wish to move. But Lina seemed upset about something so he began to stand. Zelgadiss looked positively irritated, Xellos looked…like Xellos.  
  
All three began their monotonous trek up the stairs. Lina had her head poked out and ushered them in quickly as soon as she noticed their approach.  
  
  
  
All three: O.O  
  
Amelia grinned and waved, Filia blushed. Lina prompted the girls, "Well?"  
  
Amelia's grin widened. In one swift move she yanked Xellos towards the bed while unceremoniously kicking the others out into the hallway. The door slammed behind them.  
  
"Come on, Gourry." "Uhh?" Filia dragged the surprised man towards her own room, still blushing.  
  
Zel turned to Lina, truly afraid that he was in some alternate universe. She smiled, "I'll explain everything later…in the bedroom perhaps?"  
  
"N-nanni?"  
  
By this point, Lina already had his hand and was leading him to her room.  
  
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The next morning  
  
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Scene: Breakfast table. Only the three men are present  
  
Gourry sits, staring off into space. Hickeys are evident along the length of his neck, as well as lipstick in various places.  
  
Xellos' eyes are actually open for once, he continues to blink, sure that the previous night didn't happen. *I did not sleep with the justice freak, I did not sleep with the justice freak, I did not…*  
  
Zel has much the same look as Gourry, minus the hickeys.  
  
All: "Hi guys!"  
  
Xellos falls out of his chair, Gourry freezes, Zel blushes furiously.  
  
Xellos rights himself and sits at the table again. After Amelia whispers something to him,  
  
he takes off, with her in tow, in a hurry.  
  
"Gourry…" He was gone in a split second, carrying Filia with him. They too disappeared upstairs.  
  
Zelgadiss begins nervously, "Lina--about yesterday-" "Shut up Zel." "Shutting up."  
  
Without another word, our last couple disappears upstairs to perform…couple activities.  
  
  
  
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0.0  
  
A shippers nightmare lol 


	7. Confessions/Ghetto Fabulous

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Scene: The dinner table. It's an ugly scene, Lina and Gourry sucking down as much food as possible, while the others split their time between watching the spectacle and tentatively picking at their own food.  
  
Lina suddenly pauses in her malicious attack on the chicken to watch a scene playing out in front of her eyes.  
  
Amelia is wide eyed, dreamily describing to Zel her perfect husband.  
  
"--And then we'll get married at the castle and Dad will walk me down the aisle, there'll be a little flower girl and everything and he'll be standing there waiting for me with his hand out. I'll pledge myself to him and then we can fight injustice together! …and possibly have 27 children named: Mary, Ariel, Rose, Azalea, Carnation, Kimmy, Martin, Arnold, Phillip…"  
  
"THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!"  
  
All: O.O;  
  
The whole tavern had halted any and all activity.  
  
Xellos murmurs something about Lina having one too many hits from the bottle.  
  
Lina is currently standing on top of the table, facing Amelia and Zel.  
  
"I AM TIRED OF ALL THE LIES! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, ONLY YOU CAN SPEAK THE TRUTH AND FREE US!"  
  
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Dramatic Pause::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::  
  
Random people in the tavern begin confessing their sins.  
  
"I stole from the collection plate!"  
  
"I blamed rude noises on the dog!"  
  
"I don't pay my bills!"  
  
"I'm not really blind!"  
  
"I own a harem downtown!"  
  
"My wife is ugly!"  
  
"My husband's ugly!"  
  
A look passes between the residents of the table. ( -.-; )  
  
Lina snaps, "NOT YOU!"  
  
Patrons: Oh.  
  
"YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!"  
  
Gourry scratches his head a moment and volunteers, "I think Filia's tail is hot."  
  
All: …  
  
Xellos chimes in, "I like being a girl!" He proceeds to sprout breasts. ^ I enjoy being a girl!^  
  
All (Minus Filia and Gourry gazing longingly into each others eyes): 0.o  
  
Amelia sighs, "I like Sylphiel…"  
  
Zelgadiss is sweating at this point as Lina is glaring directly at him.  
  
He mumbles something under his breath.  
  
Lina growls, "SO EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU."  
  
Zel blushes slightly, "Lina and I umm…did the horizontal mambo a few times."  
  
All: 0.0 (The world actually stops spinning)  
  
Gourry gives him a small measure of applause and Zel grins. "Thanks! You know how Lina likes to sweat a playa, all ova me like she own me or sumthin, damn."  
  
Gourry nods, "I know what you sayin man. She aint got no damn respect."  
  
Zel dons his glasses and pimpin hat. "I know! I gots time for her and she act like I can't get a lil Amelia on the side too…well maybe not anymore cause…ya know."  
  
Gourry nods, "For shizzure, I know where you comin from, good luck man.Yo, I'm gonna go hit it with Filia, We'll be back tomorrow ya heard?"  
  
"Fo Sho"  
  
Gourry scoops up a blushing Filia and carries her off to his room.  
  
Zel turns to Lina, who is now an angry red from head to toe, "So, are we gonna?"  
  
"FIRE--"  
  
Zel puts his hands up in defeat, "Zelgadiss Greywords is all about da ladies, but you a trick, straight up."  
  
With that, he gets up to check out "Xellina" who's currently doing a strip tease to Super Freak.  
  
Lina huffs and leaves to go kill something.  
  
Amelia left alone cries out to no one in particular, "I slept with hellmaster Phibby chan too!"  
  
All: Face fault  
  
"I mean…" 


	8. More pimping

(Don't ask me why, I'm just obsessed with Zel as a pimp lol Don't ask me why I pick on Amelia, it just happened!)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Scene: Zelgadiss' bedroom. Think dignified. Gourry is sitting on the edge of a large comfy looking bed, scratching his head in utter confusion.  
  
Zel halts his speech, "What's so difficult about it?"  
  
"Everything?"  
  
Zel sighs in frustration, "First, you have to find what girls think is hot. Now, I'm hot because I brood a lot, like I'm deep in thought."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Now, you…hmm… You do have that whole dim bulb thing working for you."  
  
"True."  
  
"I'm willing to bet it's the hair."  
  
"Well I do condition twice a day, everyday" ^.^  
  
-.-; "Yes, well, we'll need a professional opinion. AMELIA!!!!!!"  
  
Amelia bounds into the room, pink hearts dancing in her eyes, "Yes Zelgadiss san master of my universe."  
  
Gourry: …  
  
"Quite. Amelia, what makes Gourry hot?"  
  
"Umm…His hair is nice, it looks so soft, he smells nice too, like flowers, he's very nice, he has these pretty blue eyes, and he has these nice tight muscles that bulge and ripple and that voice…cold shower…going…"  
  
Amelia dazedly stumbles out of the room.  
  
Gourry: 0.o  
  
"Anyway, apparently she likes your body so…you can just work that I guess."  
  
"…keep her away from me."  
  
"Can do. I'll go get your clothes."  
  
Zel hunts through his dresser for a few moments before dumping a pile of clothes in Gourry's lap. "Wha?"  
  
"You can get dressed in the bathroom." Zel proceeds to shove Gourry into the bathroom.  
  
* I'll save you the Gourry getting undressed scene (fangirls: .) In case you were wondering, he's a boxers kinda guy.*  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Moments later^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Gourry steps out of the bathroom in a wife beater, really tight blue jeans(!!!), boots, and his hair is pulled back into a loose pony tail, he too has a pair of sunglasses. (Fangirls:…cold shower…going…)  
  
"This helps me to get girls how?"  
  
Zel sighs impatiently, "You'll see." Zel is wearing a black tank top, matching baggy jeans, and various platinum chains around his neck. He silently motions for Gourry to follow him upstairs.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Sylphiel, Filia, Lina, Xellos, and Amelia are gathered around a table.  
  
Lina is of course stuffing her face. Everyone else quirks an eyebrow at the drenched Amelia. "What?"  
  
All: "Nothing."  
  
"HI GUYS!"  
  
All: 0.0  
  
Amelia's eyes flit from one to the other until she just keels over. x.x  
  
The drumstick falls from Lina's hand with a resounding thunk.  
  
Gourry stands behind Sylphiel and waits. She suddenly stands and jumps on Zel.  
  
Zel only grumbles in frustration, "Damn dawg, I already had her!"  
  
"I always thought she liked me."  
  
"She did!"  
  
Amelia suddenly recovers and hops onto Zel as well.  
  
"Damn."  
  
Gourry's suddenly assaulted from behind, "What the- XELLOS?!"  
  
"I'll take you Gourry Dear."  
  
"What the fizzle?"  
  
"Calm the hizzle down. Don't Knizzock it till you try the shiznit."  
  
"Don't tell me you did…"  
  
"Forty three times!"  
  
Xellos simply grinned.  
  
"But… He's a guy!"  
  
"I can be a girl if you want!" Xellos runs off, returning with a skintight dress and two huge assets. "Better?"  
  
Gourry scratches his head a moment, "Surprisingly…yes."  
  
Filia, silent until this point, whips out mace sama and beats Xellos senseless (Like he had any sense to start with)  
  
"Hi, Gourry…"  
  
Her tail suddenly pops out and swishes menacingly. "Eep."  
  
Zel still covered in ladies manages to get out, "I think she likes you G- dawg!"  
  
Filia suddenly whispers something in his ear.  
  
Gourry: o.0;  
  
Wile he's still stunned, Filia drags him off towards her room.  
  
Xel, recovered and pouting, follows "I'm coming too!"  
  
Lina stands and approaches the very busy Zel.  
  
::BOOF! MINT! KAPOW! SHAZAM! ZING! NEWT!:: (Can you tell I like those oh so cheesy retro batman movies lol)  
  
::THUNK,THUD::  
  
Lina quietly leads Zel away, careful to step over the prone bodies of Amelia and Sylphie.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The next morning  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Lina is sprawled across Zelgadiss, both happen to be shirtless and generally mussed.  
  
Filia is snuggled next to Xel, who in turn is nuzzling Gourry.  
  
Amelia and Sylphie are sprawled across a large four post bed. We won't even ask…  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------  
  
Why is Zel always a pimp? Why is Xel always acting yaoish? Why is Amelia ultra aggressive? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!!!!!!! 


	9. Drill sergeant Saillune

Scene: Night time in the wilderness, it's summertime. Even though nightfall was long ago, bird still rustle in the trees. A cool breeze carries the sweet scents of flowers across the land. So peaceful…  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
"SOMONE STOLE MY MACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The ear splitting shriek of the golden dragon woke those within a five mile radius. All animal wildlife, wisely, vacated.  
  
Lina, Gourry, Amelia, and Zel, now completely awake, stumble out of their respective tents to find the wailing Filia.  
  
Lina screeches over the noise, "What's wrong?"  
  
Her answer was another sob.  
  
Lina knelt next to her, gently patting her shoulder, "Aww, don't feel so bad…umm…look at the bright side…" Another wail.  
  
Gourry winces and covers his ears in pain, Zelgadiss yawns and starts back to bed.  
  
Amelia runs off as well.  
  
Xellos pops in behind Filia, "Poor Fi-chan."  
  
Her right eye twitched a moment before she turned to glare at him. "…I CAN'T DO ANYTHING!!!!!"  
  
Lina simply socked him in the face sending him flying, "Better?"  
  
"NO!!!!"  
  
Amelia suddenly reappears and takes after Xel. Still dragging him by his collar, she stands next to the small group. Amelia has the standard army fatigues on, along with sunglasses, a toothpick, and a badass grin. "I have a plan. ZELGADISS, REPORT NOW!"  
  
He grumbles and frowns, but still joins the small group.  
  
Amelia speaks in an authoritative tone(Drill sergeant), "I have observed the enemies footprints, they head in the western direction. It would make sense to follow them. The only route to retrieve the stolen item is quick and decisive action."  
  
Lina pouts, "What if they had a good reason? To perform justice, we must have both sides of the story and…" "ENOUGH of your touchy feely gobbeldy gook, woman!"  
  
Xellos snickers and is suddenly dropped. Amelia glares at him, "I do not find anything amusing, do you, private?" "…sore wa himitsu desu." "OH! We have a comedian! Well, Mr. Comedian, drop and give me 50!"  
  
"?"  
  
Amelia shakes a fist and him and he gets to work. She hops on his back, to insure that he does as he's told. "Anyway! We must take immediate action in order to speed up recovery!" Lina continues to pout, "but…" "They probably have treasure." "OKAY!"  
  
Lina dashes off to get ready.  
  
"Gourry will weld our hand to hand combat weapons, Lina and Mr. Comedian will deploy all magical offenses." Zel frowns, "Why do I have to go?"  
  
Amelia thinks a moment, "SYMMETRY! And you can be used as a human shield."  
  
"Filia may stay here."  
  
Lina shows up, moneybag and all, "Ready!"  
  
Amelia nods and climbs off the mazoku, "MOVE OUT! Remember: War is not the answer! War is the question, YES is the answer!"  
  
Lina and Xellos sprint in front of the group, Lina eager for money, Xellos eager to escape their mini platoon leader's wrath. Gourry and Zel lag behind. Amelia strolls behind them, humming.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
Scene: The bandit's lair.  
  
Amelia suddenly halts the group. She produces a few sticks of dynamite and tosses them about the site. "Lina?"  
  
"FIREBALL!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
::KABLAM!::  
  
A smoking crater is the only remnant of the cave…and its inhabitants. A small glint of metal turns out to be the missing mace sama and all is right with the world. Lina even found a few partially melted metal statues.  
  
Xellos' attempt to retreat was in vain, "Where do you think your going, private?" "…"  
  
"Nowhere." Amelia hops onto his shoulders and directs the team back home, "MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!"  
  
Filia is still sobbing upon their return. Gourry hesitantly presents her with her beloved weapon. She squealed in delight and quickly strapped it to her leg before returning to bed.  
  
Zel, and Gourry dragged themselves back to bed. Lina was next, still ogling her treasure. Amelia had vacated Xel's shoulders only a second earlier, he was already sneaking away.  
  
"Where do you think you're going? You still owe me 26 more pushups…unless you want to trade them for…special training?"  
  
"…" (0.o)  
  
"Come on, it'll be fun." Leaving him no room to argue, Amelia dragged the shocked mazoku by the hair to her tent.  
  
(^.^ & O.O)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------  
  
THE NEXT MORNING  
  
Filia is smothering mace sama with kisses, while Lina does much the same with her rare artifacts. Gourry is the only one eating. Zel is drinking coffee.  
  
Amelia emerges from her tent, disheveled but still grinning, dragging her captive behind her.  
  
All: 0.0  
  
Amelia only grins in response.  
  
"HELP ME!"  
  
Amelia grins again, "He's so silly. SO guys…what do you think is a good name for a boy?"  
  
All: X.x  
  
Amelia frowns, "Don't be so overdramatic, I'm just kidding…it's going to be a girl."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
… 


	10. Coooooool

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Scene: Mid afternoon in the wilderness. After traveling for several hours, the forest's charms had long ago worn off. The slayers take a few moments to rest near a local stream but quickly become sidetracked. A semi circle has formed around one Gourry Gabriev. Amelia and Lina sit, transfixed, while Zel merely scratches his head in utter confusion.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------  
  
Amelia sighs, falling back onto the grass, "Tell us again Gourry."  
  
Gourry grins, "Okay! Well, if you blow out a candle, the room gets dark, which is just as fast as the room became light when the candle was first lit. Therefore, the speed of light and dark are comparable and since we know the speed of light, we also know the speed of dark."  
  
Amelia pauses, "Deep…very deep."  
  
Lina voices her demand next, "Recite a poem for us, Gourry."  
  
Gourry considers a moment, " There once was a man from Nantucket--"  
  
"NOT THAT ONE!"  
  
"Oh! … Twinkle, twinkle little bat, how I wonder where you're at, up above the world so high, like a feather caught in an updraft."  
  
L&A: O.O "…Wow."  
  
Encouraged by this, Gourry continues, but not before donning a beret and instructing a sarcastic Zelgadiss to play the bongos, "Is a fly without wings a walk? For without its namesake…is it any less of a fly? Why is it called a pair of pants if there's only one? Numbers only exist because they are needed, technically, the number line could end at a billion and no one would notice. Imaginary numbers don't exist, so why do we acknowledge them? X isn't really a letter, more of an "e" enhancer. If love isn't explicable, then how does it exist?"  
  
Lina and Amelia, apparently overwhelmed, throw themselves into Gourry and Zel's arms.  
  
With hands full, Gourry turned to Zel, "I told you poetry works better. You and your Ghettophonics class…"  
  
"Don't be dissin my program yo, fore I bust a cap in yo ass. Besides, I could've got Amelia anyway…I COULD'VE!"  
  
  
  
"Uh huh, sure."  
  
"Shut up. My pimpin game can't be beat, I got girls just throwin themselves at me, as you can plainly see. I got it goin on and we all know it--"  
  
Amelia quickly nods in testament to this fact.  
  
"See?"  
  
Gourry only rolls his eyes in response. He quickly scoops Lina into his arms and our heroes take off into the sunset, with Gourry promising to show her his "other sword of light."  
  
Zel follows suit, promising to let Amelia have her fun," as long as you don't be sweatin a playa know what I mean?"  
  
With this agreement in place, these two disappear from sight as well.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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I'M TAKING CONTRIBUTIONS!!!!!! Go ahead and submit, there's a good chance it'll get put in the next installment (OOC part II).  
  
P.S for those of you who do fanart…I NEED A PICTURE OF ZEL AS A PIMP, you know: the cane, the leopard print cowboy hat with a feather, the fur coat…anyways I'd love to see it, or even Gourry as a beatnik would be good. 


End file.
